Please shine forever for me!
by Helga13
Summary: Sometimes it is so hard to accept your feelings. Haechan knows that better than anyone else. All that is left for him is just a mere illusion of happiness and images inside his poor head. But those can't last forever, and the "bomb" will explode when no one was aware... [NCT fanfiction]; [Taeil/Haechan]


... How long? How long have I dreamed that he would notice me ...? Every morning, while casting a soft gaze, I left a mysterious reflection of the message in it's dark radiance.

His eyes answered me with the same familiar kindness, but inside them I always saw sadness. Moreover, no, it was not an accidental burst of bitterness, or a shadow of sad memories - it was an unknown, indestructible sadness, inside which the tears of the universe itself were hidden.

Why are you sad, my dear hyung? Has anyone said or done something to brake your happiness? Was it the burden of long lived years? No. You may not answer. Your whole nature tells me much more than your tender eyes can say. Affectionate, gentle, beloved eyes that ... always look with passion and pain at someone else.

No, you shouldn't bother to make excuses. I have been studying you for a long time. For me, you are a dream viewed seven times every night. You are my obsession, my mirage in the scorching feet of the desert. You are like the moon that illuminates my path even in the darkest night. The moon, free and lonely, surrounded by indescribable beauty, delicate as gold, the charm of the stars. Will I one day become such a star for you? To always be together, never leaving each other!

I am doing this again ... My fantasies, like spoilage, hung over my trimmed head, not wanting to let go even for a second. Do I even want to let go of this dream?  
….No! No I do not want to! No way! After all, at the night, at each and every night, through the balcony door, I see, like a madman, a reflection of your light. The same eternally beautiful ...!

This cannot happen and I myself know it. We are like the sun and moon. Both are heavenly watchmen, thanks to which people can continue to live. We both do the same job, we both spend all our efforts to make the world brighter and more sightly... But we can never meet. We succeed each other. We are like the parts of one whole, but so far away, so сrazily different …

I don't understand myself! Why did I suddenly start thinking about this? After all, before only Mark and his well-being concerned me! I thought about work, tried my best, but only his face was reflected in my pupils when I looked in the mirror. Only his breath, his laughter, like Beethoven's ingenious melodies, sat in my head, spinning in an ever-repeating dance. And now ... nothing. The image of golden, like wheat, head changed to dark brown, mysteriously chocolate. I no longer think about the languid look that the blond threw at me when it seemed that no one, absolutely no one in the world could see him. Now, in my head, like the last ray of happiness, a bitter, sad smile looms …

Will it all really be like this now? To the very end of my days? Every morning - he, every evening - he, every night - only he and he alone! Always! Always! Forever! His eyes, his hands, his body, his lips! And again and again, again and again, deep inside me, in the very depths of my heart, in all the notes of my soul. His name, like a spell, is always spinning, like the Earth around the sun, in my rough, like a kitten's, tongue.

The legs of my thoughts stopped moving forward. Their steps ceased to sound in the tablets of my mind. In front of me are many doors of choice through which I hesitate to go through, which I do not have enough strength to open. They beckon, they call me, like a gentle mother's voice, so close and dear. They tell me to go, they beg to continue, to never stop and believe ...

But I'm afraid. I am mortally afraid. Like a sword, lifted above my head, at the same moment when I cross this threshold, brightly like a firework, it will blow it off my shoulders. I'm scared. I'm scared. Never in my life have I been so animalistically, primary scared. Help me ... Somebody, please, help me! I pray, save me! Do not let me die from these obsessive thoughts, remove their fetters from my mind, from my head ... and most importantly - from my heart.

All the voices around have died. I am alone, completely alone, as if the world is over ... I am alone, and only my consciousness was left. Its wheezing, like the rattle of furniture being dragged across the floor, poisons my silence with his quiet sound. It does not say anything, his lips are closed, closed, as if boarded up with nails. But I can still hear him. As distinct as never and nothing before. It whispers to me to be aware. It whispers to make me understand. So that I open myself up, show my soul to the world in the most bashful, most unprotected and embarrassedly-naked state. So that I recognize the cruel truth that I do not want to accept.

... shut up! Shut up ! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up ! Shut up once and for all, forever! SILENCE !

... Please be quiet ... stop. Leave me ... Bring me back to where I should be. Bring back that sun, that joy that I should have been. Why am I no longer smiling? Why am I, who is living such a dream life, not smiling? Why is there such a bitterness inside me that you won't find in the strongest coffee? Why are there so many "whys" inside me? Why are there no answers to my questions?

... And again that eyes. They look at me again. They are so close. They are so insanely far away. They are everywhere, and at the same time they cannot be found anywhere. I love them. I do not want to lose them. I want to see them behind me, feel their warmth, feel reproach behind them, feel their grief, sorrow and happiness. I want to feel them. I want to feel HIM…

х х х

In a stream of thoughts, I did not notice how my legs — my real, material, living legs — were stopped in front of the next door. But it, like my legs, was real, not a ghost of my illusions and fears. The real door of this room. You can touch it. Just as this thought ran through my head, hands immediately pounced on its surface. Solid, beautiful, flat, without protruding sawdust and burrs. It can be opened, of which I was sure without a doubt. But what's inside? My head, natural, covered with a soft layer of gray hair like silver, shook smoothly in a panic. Really ?! No I can not? It can't be ?!

This is his room. His! His! What am I doing here? Why?

... In fact, it is clear why. After all, I'm only thinking about him. My body itself already leads me to meet him, in his arms. But my mind is against. The mind is smart. He knows better than stupid material hands, than obedient slave of fantasy legs , than a senseless fleshy cover of the body. He knows. He knows exactly what I want, but also knows that this is impossible. Thanks to him, I did not make the mistake that I am so afraid of - becoming happy. I am afraid of happiness. Even stronger than failure. Failure is simple. It hurts, but it still is simple as it is. But happiness is a responsibility that will bring pain not only to me, but to the blond so dear to me. If the refusal - then there will be no problems! Why should he suffer when I am happy? Why?

Even the door taunts me with its silence! I hear, hear, hear your laugh perfectly, like a creaky, quiet night steps!  
Do you want to challenge me ?! Do you want to make me open you, burst inside like a barbarian, and tumble into his room? I do know, I know, I know that you really want this! Our thoughts are similar. You think I don't want to ...? But can I ...? Can I really…?

The door handle, like a light, first layer of snow, fell down from my touch. I was drowned in its softness, in its golden rays, in its corrupt pliability.  
Step back. One more. And here is the darkness.

It's already night. If I could now find myself in a clearing full of sunflowers, I would have died there, surrounded by yellow happiness, lying on the ground, dark as tar, and looking up at the shiny stars. Even closing my eyes, I will feel your tender rays on myself, on my small, insignificant compared to all the surrounding beauty, body. And there, in the wilderness, covered by nature, far from human eyes ... there you are, with your sky, your myriad stars ... Even there you will find and hug me with you. Like no blanket, like no plaid, like no clothes could cover. Your hugs will be long, like a human life, like the life of the Earth, like the life of the universe itself. They will have a beginning at some point, but they will never find their end.

I want, I only want ... To forever ...

-Who is it? - came a familiar voice. It was a mere whisper, nothing more, but it completely stunned me, from head to toe. Knocked out of a trance as if someone had thrown a stone, no, a whole lump in my head. My mouth was opened agape by some strange force.

-I ... Um ... Ah ...- I mumbled something, not knowing myself what it was. Words refused to form in sentences. Letters were stubbornly confused. They fought, fought with me and with each other. I am ashamed. I am…I am so ashamed!

-Haechan ...? Something happened? You are so late ... - his voice, dear, kind, affectionate. His, real, genuine, material, physical! It is no longer a mirage, it is no longer a desert, it is no longer the distant lights of stars. It is he, so earthly, so close ... it is he who I hear every day, every time getting drunk and choked by him. I drink him like juice, like wine, like poison. I drink him, drink without a trace, not allowing to leave at the bottom of a glass called "he" even the tiniest of the drops.

-T-Taeil ...? Sorry, I ... I don't know what came over me ... - my throat cleared a little, it's a bit easier to express myself. -Just didn't notice how the legs themselves brought me here …

I said it, said it! My mind triumphs victoriously, the gentle, naive voice of my mother cherishes me with praise. I told the truth, part of the truth, and now I am like I was again! The same "I" who smiles, the same "I" that illuminates everyone with a smile. "I", which is brighter than the sun; "I" who can do anything.

A soft chuckle was heard from that side. His smoothness, like loose sand, sucks me, beckons, like the food does to a hungry dog. In front of him I am simple,I am obvious, I am banal. I can be read, everything can be seen through me.

-Are you being tormented by the nightmares? Poor Haechan! Don't worry,and, since you're already here, why not chat for a bit? I'll go turn on the light ...

-No !- I shouted with all my might. I can't ... If he, he sees my red cheeks, then what will I then ...?

-...? - he looked at me questioningly. It's instantly obvious that my scream shocked him. I hastened to make excuses.

-Don't ... turn on the light ... I want to talk in the dark ... Can I? - my voice was hoarse, slightly not keeping up with my thoughts. Cheek itched, but the arm was so heavy that I decided to ignore it.

-Ha ha! Of course, of course! Then sit down - my eyes did not have time to get used to the darkness, because of which only the alluring tapping of his hand on the surface of the sofa helped me find the way. Walking is difficult. Thinking is hard. It's difficult to breathe. Everything next to him is incommensurably airy, but at the same time, indescribably heavy. I see worse. Maybe adaptation to the dark is going on the other way around? Everything turns into spots and merges.

-Well? What should we talk about? - he did it again. Again, again, he did it again! Why is he doing this to me ?! Why? Why is he so kind? Why are his kind words a drug for me? Why do I love his words, his lips, his nose, his eyes, his cheeks, his forehead, his ears, his hair, his body ?! Why? Why? Why am I so in l ...?

No! No, don't say that, don't say that. Think of Mark. See his face, imagine his pain, his tears ... I have no right to call this word. It is a forbidden fruit; take a bite once and you will never have a way back. Having named it, nothing else will be the same as before …

-Is something wrong? You have been silent for a long time ... Hyoki, is everything all right with you? - gentle, affectionate concern was in his kind words. Something had to be said, anything to escape. Run away from yourself. Run away from him. Run away from the whole world.

\- He-he, everything's alright,- my voice trembles treacherously, - it's just that my cheek scratches!  
What am I saying? This is stupid, just stupid ...!

\- Can I help you? Maybe there's something on it? Let me…

-No, no, thank you, I'll do it myself! - I interrupted him again, finally frantically waving with my raised palms. The itching on the cheeks became unbearable, because of which there was no choice but …

Hah ...? Why…? Why are they…  
... wet?

The longer I moved my finger, the more wet it got. Then a fresh wave slipped through my already wet finger. A new stream of tears.

I'm crying? Why? When? Why am I crying here in front of him? How could I?!

-What? You've been rubbing them for a couple of minutes, let me see ...

\- I am all right, really!" Just one more second and I ...! - excuses poured out of my mouth, painting only the empty room, but not the consciousness of my interlocutor.

His warm, like lava, hand rolled over my cheek when its soft part touched me. The shame was blurred, like my eyesight, only by this slight movement. All my thoughts, all my feelings, and my whole world narrowed so much that they were only in his hands and in his touch.

-Oh, God, are you crying ?! What happened, someone offended you?!

Oh no, he got it! What should I do?! How, when, what can I ?! What can I tell him to believe me? What to do so that he does not understand the truth?

...Nothing. It's the end. Your lies will not save you. It's time to go ahead, eat that fruit, plunge into an obsession. The time has come to evaporate in the radiance of stars, to disappear in the moonlight, to hear the mute voices of your consciousness. To go and never look back. Sorry, Mark. Forgive me. I am so sorry. I have no excuse. I will take this sin upon myself. I will take it and will carry it with me all my life. I will keep it until the end, until the last minute. I will be guilty until my last breath ... and yet, I hope I will not bear it alone.

-Haechan, now is not the time for heavy conversations. Let's better calm down and drink some water ...

-Listen ... Listen to me ... please ... - it was becoming increasingly difficult to speak. -I ... I ... I ...

-Hyoki … - his whisper was sad and restless.

-I ... - say it, say it! Tell him, please! Lips, open up! Please…!

-I ... I love you, Taeil-hyun ! I really love you!

... Everything around went silent. We are alone in the whole world, only he and I. Below, the floor creaks softly. Outside the window, the dogs suddenly decided to do their bit, which is why they sing together to the moon. And how am I different from them? I also dream of the moon, I also strive for the obligatory, for the alluring darkness of the night; I also think about the bright glow of the stars.

I am calm. For a long time, oh how long have I not been that calm! With these words, the old timid "I" died and a new one was born. Honest, bold "I", ready to give people warmth.

Although after recognition I am nervous, but this nervousness is full of harmony. As if the invisible, tender, softest hand carried away all the pain with it and you became free from it. Forever and ever. The load is no longer on your shoulders. You are clean.  
And that is wonderful.

-Haechan, but ... But I ... You and I are of completely different ages ...

-This doesn't bother me.

-And we are so different ...

-Different characters is what attracts people.

-You already have Mark, how can you do this to him? I like you too, Haechan. You are a man of kind soul, like a real sun! But we can't …

\- ... I already thought about it … - I said, the tears no longer flow, the cheeks no longer itch. - I'll explain everything to him. I will tell the truth, since he deserves it. Despite the fact that I can no longer say that I "love" him, but I treat him very well. He has the right to know the truth.

-Haechan ... Even if everything is decided with Mark, what about my age? This cannot but worry you! I am already 25 years old. Just a little while and I will have to leave the k-pop. But everything is just beginning for you. You have whole life ahead! You don't know anything, you haven't seen anything. You haven't seen so many people, and when you will meet someone who will capture your heart, I will become only an extra burden for you ...

I can't hear that anymore. My hands, rising from dirty knees again, lay right on his soft, round face. His gaze stopped briefly on mine. His beautiful chocolate eyes were painted with bewilderment. How I would like to swim for a long time in their warm waves, but not only they are now the object of my interest. My gaze slowly fell from his eyes and, like on a slide, rolled down his beautiful smooth nose right onto the pink soft lips. Their pinkness beckoned me like catnip. The heat of his breathing became more intense with every moment. Our faces were getting closer and closer, soon remaining literally in millimeters from each other. And soon ... it happened.

Our lips touched each other. I never felt anything more pleasant than the plush, pink warmth that enveloped part of my face. We kissed. It did not last long, just a moment. It was awkward, like a clash of two young birds with their beaks.  
A small, thin thread of saliva quickly burst as our faces moved away from each other. There is a happy, victorious smile on my face.

-You will regret it … - he said either sadly or embarrassedly, or even joyfully. My smile only widened.

-Never.


End file.
